It had been a long, hard delivery.
The nurses took my baby away before I could even see her, then I was left alone.
My husband was away on a business trip out of town. He couldn’t make it back in time to witness the birth of his baby girl.
The delivery room door opened…
… and a nurse walked in.
“You’re looking good…everything seems to be returning to normal,” she said looking at the monitor next to my bed.
The nurse was fairly young…maybe in her mid twenties. She had black hair that stopped just beneath her shoulders. What stood out though was the very worried, sad look on her face.
“Nurse, what is it? Is it my baby? What’s wrong with my baby?” I tried not to yell, but it was hard to hold down my emotions. I knew that the nurse could hear my pain.
“I…um…let me get you to your room,” she said, ignoring my questions.
She helped me into a wheelchair, busying herself with the task so she could avoid giving me any answers.
The nurse opened the delivery room door and wheeled me into the hallway.
So many thoughts ran through my mind. I thought maybe she was taking me to see my baby…but when we passed the nursery, I became even more worried and scared.
“What happened? What happened to my baby?” I asked once again.
“Let me get you to your room, then…you’ll know more.”
Know more? What did that mean? My baby couldn’t be…could she?
Could my baby be dead? The thought brought tears to my eyes.
As the tears threatened to roll over the rims of my eyes, the nurse opened the door to a regular hospital room. She pushed me over to the bed and helped me get in it.
“I’ll be right back…”she said…the sad look returned to her face.
I stopped her as she was about to turn and leave. “Can you please tell me something?”
She started to say something, but hesitated before continuing…“It’s best that I show you,” she said before walking through the door.
I felt sick to my stomach as I watched the door close behind her; scared of what I would see when the door opened once again.
Was the nurse going to let me see my baby…before they took her to the morgue?
My strength was gone. I sank down; under the covers, and started crying.
Why was I forced to go through this alone? And how would I tell my husband that our baby was gone?
“Here she is…” The nurse said. The door softly closed behind her.
I felt foolish for all of the tears and bad thoughts. The nurse had pushed a bassinet on wheels into the room.
As the nurse pushed the bassinet closer, I could see my baby’s feet busily moving around.
The nurse picked my baby up and carried her to my bed.
The relief I felt when she placed my baby into my arms was indescribable. My daughter was not only alive, but very lively and active.
But I found it strange that there was a piece of gauze covering her right eye.
Without asking why, I slowly removed the gauze from my baby’s face…
I got a good look at my daughter and gasped in horror. My baby’s right eye was gone. There was nothing there, but a big black knot.
I screamed and shoved the baby back into the nurse’s arms.
“Oh my God!” I didn’t know what to think and couldn’t think of anything else to say. All I felt were dreams and high expectations being shattered.
My baby…my supposed miracle baby…the baby that my husband wasn’t even sure he even wanted at first…
The baby that was my very last chance at saving a doomed marriage…
My baby…Nick’s baby…our baby was flawed…disabled. Tears were uncontrollable.
“Please…just go…just take her!” I yelled as my insides balled up into a mass of hurt and disappointment.
The nurse replaced the gauze on the baby’s face and walked toward the door. “Let me know when you want me to bring her back,” she paused, “You just need to bond with her,” she added…her voice sad but hopeful.
Bond with her…the last thing I could think of was bonding. I could think of this baby being the last straw…the thing that would be the end of my marriage.
I screamed and screamed. I couldn’t let my husband see this baby.
What would he say? How would be react? What had I done wrong to cause our child to be…damaged?
My body convulsed violently as I sobbed.
The nurse returned to give me a shot to calm me down. I fought her; my thoughts completely irrational.
I tried to get up, “Please, I need to go now. I can’t…”
The drugs kicked in and I quickly calmed down. I lay quietly in the bed, but my thoughts were going wild… Oh god! My baby…it’s just awful. It’s a nightmare. What was I to do?
Finally, my mind slowed until I was left with one final thought – my husband couldn’t see that baby, he just couldn’t. I drifted off to sleep
