I stepped out of the taxi feeling light-headed and dizzy. I reminded myself to breathe.
I couldn’t tell exactly how old the little girl was, but I knew that if she was my baby that she was seven. I also knew that if she was my baby, then she only had one eye. I wanted to see her face so bad…
I followed behind, trying to be inconspicuous as the lady and the little girl walked ahead. Please turn around, please just turn a little…I tried to will in my head.
“Mommy!” The little girl called out. I looked up expectantly; my heart beating fast in my chest…thinking for just one moment that she was talking to me.
But I quickly realized that the girl was talking to the lady that was walking ahead of her. “Look mommy! I want that for Christmas,” she said excited, sweet and innocent.
The lady stopped and walked over to the window to look… “We’ll see what Santa brings,” she said looking and sounding so familiar to me that I felt I would strain my brain trying to figure out who she was.
Suddenly the little girl turned around and a miniature version of Nick and I was staring back at me. I could also see that her right eye was gone; confirming that this was my daughter.
I suddenly knew who the black haired lady was…it was the nurse who cared for me when I gave birth to my daughter. Apparently, she had adopted my baby.
The emotions I felt as I watched my daughter threatened to overwhelm me. I could feel my insides stir and I felt drawn to her… connected to her as if her umbilical cord was never cut and we were still attached.
I wanted to hug her, call out to her and love her…but I was paralyzed by guilt and knew that it would be totally inappropriate.
I prayed that my daughter felt the same connection to me, but my hope was destroyed when she spoke again. “Mommy, why is that woman staring at me? Is it because of my eye?”
I didn’t give the nurse time to turn, because I didn’t want her to recognize me. I started walking, passing them quickly.
“Just ignore her baby,” I could hear the nurse say as I walked by. “People can be so rude sometimes.”
My daughter’s attention went back to the toy that she had pointed out. “OK mom…I guess we’ll see,” she cheerfully said.
“But don’t worry…you’ve been a good girl, I’ll put in a good word to Santa for you,” the nurse said.
The little girl laughed, “Thanks mommy!” Her laughter was cute and incredibly sweet. I could tell that she wasn’t a monster like Carmina.
“Are you ready for lunch?” The nurse said as she and my daughter turned and started walking behind me.
“Yes…can I have a hamburger?”
I lowered by head and walked a little faster; praying that the nurse wouldn’t recognize me.
“Of course, we’ll go to the café on the corner.”
Now that I knew where they were headed, I walked quickly so that I could get there before them and not appear so suspicious.
My daughter, who I never even took the time to name fell behind a little as we all arrived at the café. “Hurry Christina, after lunch maybe we’ll get some ice cream,” the nurse called out.
Christina…I repeated to myself, My daughter’s name is Christina.
“Can I have strawberry?” Christina asked.
“Anything you want,” the nurse answered.
Christina looked back at me one more time before she followed the nurse into the café. I tried my best not to stare and make her uncomfortable, but I couldn’t help myself.
Still unable to take my eyes off of Christina, I hurried to take a seat at a table near them when they came back outside with their food.
“What’s wrong?” The nurse asked when the two of them were seated.
“Momma, am I a freak? Is that why people stare?” I could hear the threat of tears in Christina’s voice as she spoke.
“Of course not!” The nurse answered quickly. “You’re beautiful and I love you very much.” Christina didn’t look very convinced.
“Tina, always remember what I told you…from the moment I first saw you, I knew you were someone special. You may not have been born from my body, but you were definitely born from my heart.”
While the nurse’s words comforted Christina…they were almost like a stab in my heart, bringing to my full attention how much I had failed my daughter.
“But why didn’t my real mommy want me?” Christina asked. I could feel myself tense up as I held my breathe in anticipation of the nurse’s answer.
While she had every right to bash me…she didn’t, “I think she did want you…she just wasn’t prepared for you. Sometimes life gives people more than they can handle and some people are just not strong enough to take it. It doesn’t make them bad people…it just proves that they’re human. OK?”
“OK mommy.”
“Now eat your burger before it gets cold.”
Sitting there at that moment…I was so sorry that I traded my loving warm child for Carmina, but I was glad to know that my baby was loved.
What the nurse spoke was true, but the thing she left out was that I didn’t deserve to be Christina’s mother. I deserved exactly what I was getting with Carmina.
But that didn’t stop me from imagining what my life could have been like if I wouldn’t have abandoned my real baby… I began to day dream. Nick and I would have gotten past our daughter’s slight disfigurement. He would still love me and I would still be vibrant and youthful.
My baby, even with the one eye would have shown the world what true beauty looked like. I would have been proud to hold her hand and have her by my side as we walked down the street. People may have stared, but she would have taught me true strength and the art of allowing love to shine from the inside; radiating all around.
When I snapped out of my daydream, Christina and the nurse were gone…
…and I realized that my daughter was where she should be…with a mother who knew how to teach her to love who she was. That left me to face my reality. I chose this life with Carmina and I had to make the best of it. It was time for me to head back to the hospital and try to fix things with my husband.
