Even the smallest social faux pas in the past led me to reanalyze a situation over and over again for something that I could have done or said differently. Most of the time just thinking about whatever it was made me want to hide.
What I had just done with the lady at the hospital was 10 times worse than anything I’d ever done in the past. It was enough to make me want to just disappear forever. How in the hell could I ever face anyone, including Lizzie, at that clinic again?
What was it about the blood that made me lose my mind?
I don’t even have the words to describe what happened next. A force so strong took control of my body that it lifted me off of my feet.
In those few moments, I lost control of everything. I wanted to scream, but it was trapped inside.
Everything hurt…like someone was playing tug-a-war with my skin, then my organs, my muscles, my bones and finally my soul.
I could feel it all being ripped away…although I couldn’t see a physical change.
But that wasn’t the worst of it…
There was something trying to replace it all…coming over me like the feeling you get when you know you’re coming down with the flu. There’s that helpless panic when you’re at a moment in your life when you know you can’t afford to get sick, but it’s coming and you can tell that it’s going to be bad.
Well, this was also a sickness, a dark sickness.
An anger…an intense hate. I tried fighting it off with all I had. I couldn’t let the darkness in.
And I was winning…it tried to get in and I pushed it away. I was strong…I was defending…
…but then there was a knock on the door and I was suddenly distracted. That tiny moment was all it took for the darkness to get in and attach itself to what was left of my spirit. Suddenly, I was sharing my body with a foreign entity…one that would do everything it could to push my consciousness out and take over forever.
Lizzie was standing outside my door, waiting for me to answer. When I didn’t, she knocked again.
Finally, she called out, “Val…are you in there?”
I just stood there silent, while she continued talking…
“I heard about what happened as you were leaving the clinic. I’m worried about you…
…and I just wanted to check in with you to see if you’re okay.”
I didn’t want to see or talk to Lizzie. When I went seeking her help, she failed me. There was definitely nothing she could do for me now.
“Val…honey, please. Dray and I were hoping that you’d like to come over and have dinner with us…
…I mean, I know you’ve been having problems eating, but I can make a special broth for you. It should be gentle enough for your stomach.”
I didn’t make a sound, but I’m sure she could feel my angry energy through the door.
I walked away from the door because if I had actually opened it at that moment…I’m not sure what I would have done.
Lizzie stood there for a while. I can’t explain how, but I could hear a rapid whooshing sound coming from her…like liquid moving rapidly through a tube. The rhythm was consistent with my heartbeat.
That’s when I realized that I what I was hearing was the blood flowing through her veins. The sound was driving me crazy. I needed it to go away.
Finally, it did. It faded away along with her footsteps. Lizzie was leaving and going to her own apartment.
She stepped inside and closed the door behind her.
But her walking away didn’t really help. I was tense all over. I could still feel the remnants of the pain I felt earlier. It was in my neck…
I could feel it down my arms and in my fists.
I knew that if I didn’t hurry up and figure out what was wrong with me…I’d eventually go insane. And the thought of losing control of my sanity was terrifying.
