My encounter with Dray left me tired and tense, but sleep felt like a distant friend. I knew it wouldn’t come easy that night.
Hoping that some fresh air would help…I decided to get out of the house. But I didn’t want anyone…especially Dray or Lizzie to recognize me, so I searched the bottom of my dresser drawers for some old baggy clothes left by an ex-boyfriend and slipped them on.
Before walking out the door, I grabbed a pair of earbuds, plugged them into my phone, and turned my music up loud. I wanted to take a walk without worrying about hearing anyone’s pulse.
At first, I was pleased. I was free from the whooshing sound of blood moving through the veins of passersby.
I felt a bit of hope…thinking that I could actually figure out a way to survive until I discovered what was wrong with me. I turned up the powerful voice of Bonnie Tyler and began singing along, “♫ TURN AROUND Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round. TURN AROUND Every now and then I get a little bit tired of listening to the sound of my tears ♪.”1
But it was short-lived. It didn’t take me long to realize that there was another problem that I had to face.
The scent of blood was everywhere…I couldn’t escape it. I could smell every cut, bleeding gums and nose bleeds as they were about to happen…
…even the menstrual blood of any woman that I passed by. I could almost taste it. Part of me longed for it…coveted it with every sense of my being.
Luckily a bigger part of me was repulsed by it. I began to walk faster to get away from everybody. It’s the only thing I could do to remain in control and keep the sensible part of me intact.
I walked towards the waterfront, which was usually empty at this time of night. But another dilemma slapped me in the face.
I could also smell the blood of animals. There was a big rat scurrying around near an old building.
I was normally afraid of rats, but I found myself walking toward it.
Before I could get too close, it ran into a small crack in the foundation of the building.
Relieved, I continued walking past the spot and towards the river…wondering what the hell I was planning to do with a rat in the first place.
Before I could get away…the rat crawled back out, but it wasn’t alone. There were two rats now…so the scent was stronger than ever.
I could feel the darkness begin to push its way out. It was thirsty and it would be hard to stop it this time.
I did my best to concentrate on Bonnie. I began to sing at the top of my lungs…” ♬ Once upon a time, there was light in my life now there’s only love in the dark. Nothing I can say, a total eclipse of the heart. ♪ ”
As Bonnie was reaching the end of her song, I was losing control to the thirst. But I refused to give up…I kept singing ”♬ Nothing I can do, a total eclipse of the heaaaaaart!♪”1 But it didn’t work…I couldn’t stop it.
The darkness pushed my consciousness aside effortlessly. The last few words of the song came out in a deep, dark growl, ”…total eclipse of the heart.”
I started walking back towards the rat…slowly.
Every time it turned its attention away from me…I took a step. It was the only way I’d be able to sneak up on it.
At the last minute…I almost regained control. I paused, telling myself that there was no way I was going to touch this rat.
But then the rat became comfortable enough to climb up on my shoe.
Before I could stop myself…the rat was in my hand. I could feel its tiny heart beating rapidly against my skin. I could almost feel its blood rushing around. The rat squeaked and tried to escape…but it was no match for my hunger.
I brought the rat up towards my mouth and my teeth pierced its skin. The squirming became desperate as it screeched in pain.
I was repulsed, but too thirsty to stop. The whole thing felt like an out-of-body experience. Like I was watching myself do something that I wanted desperately to stop, but it dominated my senses. I couldn’t even concentrate enough to hear what was playing through my earbuds now.
Eventually, the rat’s blood was drained. I dropped the empty carcass on the ground.
But I was traumatized. I began to run away.
But I only got so far before I realized that I couldn’t escape what I was running from… because I was running from myself.
I passed the lady once again on the street. Despite myself, I knew that if the rat’s warm blood made me feel slightly satisfied for the moment…this lady’s blood would be even warmer and marvelously filling.
I was almost screaming internally as I hurried back to my building. I once again tried concentrating on my music…
