Doobie had given me hope. Now that I had some control, I could finally see the rough edges of my existence shaping into some form of normalcy.
Although I still felt that she was a bit on the nutty side, I was grateful to her.
She had somehow freed me and helped mesh two opposing sides of myself in a way I never saw possible. I could finally begin to accept who I had become.
After showering and changing, I went to my back patio to plant the seeds she had given me.
Maybe I could recover some parts of my life that I had lost.
And maybe it could start with an attempt to rekindle my relationship with Lizzie and Dray Jr. With the loss of Dray, I figured they needed me more than ever, and without a doubt, I needed them too.
After I planted the plasma seed, I walked out of my apartment door feeling confident. Thirst no longer ruled my existence.
It was a little late, but Lizzie was like me – a night owl. I was sure that Dray Jr. would be in bed, and she’d still be up, sipping ginseng tea, while watching tv or reading the newest medical journal. So I knocked on the door and called out.
“Lizzie! It’s me, Val”.
She yelled out for me to come in, so I did. But what I saw when I entered her apartment shocked me so much that, at first, I couldn’t even comprehend what I was seeing.
Lizzie’s belongings were packed in boxes and piled by the front door. The rest of the front room was empty.
“What’s all this?” I asked when she stepped over to me.
“It’s exactly what it looks like.” She answered, but that was the problem. I couldn’t exactly figure out what it looked like.
Then it hit me.
“You’re moving?” I felt betrayed and angry. “You were just going to move without telling me?”
There were two sides to Lizzie’s expression. Part of it was soft and apologetic, despite my somewhat harsh tone. But another twitched slightly, a snake waiting for a reason to strike.
“I just…I feel so alone here.” That was the soft side.
“But you have me, Liz.”
“Do I?”
Was that sharpness in her tone— the first strike? It couldn’t be. Lizzie had never spoken to me like that before. So I ignored it and tried to smother it with a smile and enthusiasm.
“Things are better now. I’m feeling more myself again. You don’t need to move; I’m here now.”
“Really? Because I haven’t seen you since the day I told you that they found Dray’s body. You haven’t come by the house to check on us. You haven’t even called. You certainly didn’t come to the funeral or Dray’s wake. But, NOW, I can depend on you?”
There was no more softness or sympathy in her tone. Unfortunately, it seemed that I wasn’t the only one that had become another person throughout this ordeal.
While trying to find myself, I hadn’t realized what I had missed. I thought I could still smooth it over. Lizzie was once the most understanding person I knew. The old version of her had to be in there somewhere.
“I’m sorry, Liz. I’m just going through something right now.”
That was the pebble that took down the whole dam.
“Oh…like finding out that your husband’s body was found in an alley and realizing that now you have to raise your toddler son all alone!”
Each word she said pierced my heart.
I had to try again. I had to get through the stone mask that had replaced Lizzie’s once kind and sentimental face.
“I…I’m sorry that I haven’t been…”
But there was no penetrating it.
“Save it! Dray Jr. and I will be gone in the morning.”
This couldn’t be. Things were going to be almost normal again. She and Dray Jr. were no longer in danger around me. We could finally find our way back to something similar to what we had.
“Liz, please.”
I could see that my plea fell on dead ears.
“But where will you go?”
“We’re moving back to my family in Windenburg.”
Windenburg – that may as well be on another planet.
Hopelessness weighed me down. I wanted to cry out to her; do anything to get her to stay. But doing that would force me to tell my story, including what happened with Dray. I had to stand there and watch my only true friendship crumble away to keep my secret.
“I don’t know what to say, Liz.”
“Don’t say anything. Just leave!”
If only I could let Liz know that my problems were what caused her problem. But I knew that wouldn’t help anything. It would only bring her more pain. So, I reluctantly turned and did what she wanted. I left.
But I stopped in the hallway, with my mind reeling. Lizzie was leaving in the morning. There had to be something I could say or do to get her to stay. Would it help if I told her about Dray’s flirting and attempts to cheat on her? Would she mourn for him less? Probably not, but if the truth wouldn’t work, maybe I could come up with some sweet lie that would do the trick.
Lizzie’s door slammed behind me – harshly snapping me back to reality as my broken heart rattled like a shaky window pane.
It was over. Liz was leaving, and I would be on my own.
Out of everything I had gone through over those past weeks – the thirst, the uncertainties, and the fears – it was that moment, losing my only friend, that finally brought me to my knees.
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