I panic at the mention of my name.
Mama Nadine: Alida? How do you know Alida?
I whisper to Michael…
Alida: Let’s go!
I turn and quickly walk away…hoping Michael is following me because I’m too terrified to look back.
Mr. Beasley: She sent me an email, claiming to be a model – looking for a manager.
Mama Nadine: *confused* What?
Mr. Beasley: That’s how I found you. We met in Oasis Springs. She told me you were her foster mom.
Mama Nadine: Oh my god! Was she alone? I – I can’t believe this.
Mr. Beasley: No…I saw her walking with a boy as she was leaving.
I don’t stick around to hear more. I take off running towards the empty lot out back…the weight of what I did falling down on me as quickly and as heavily as it must have just fallen on Mama Nadine.
Michael and I don’t get a chance to witness what happens next. I can only assume that a few more words were shared between Mr. Beasley and Mama Nadine…before he left.
(Link to Nadine Fuller’s Short Side Story)
Michael and I sit down on the abandoned couch that’s been out on the lot since we were kids.
Alida: What is she going to do to me? Do you think she’ll have me sent to another home?
Michael: I don’t know. I’ve never even heard her raise her voice before. That Beasley guy really brought a lot of anger out of her.
Alida: I’m so scared. She’s going to hate me forever.
Michael: No she won’t…it’s not really her style.
Alida: She seems to hate Robert Beasley.
There’s no question that I’m right, so Michael avoids responding to my statement directly.
Michael: We shouldn’t be suffering alone! *pulls out his cell phone*
Alida: What are you doing?
Michael: Texting Raul to get him out here. His feet should be held to the fire too. The whole thing was his idea.
Michael is absolutely right. In my haste to get away…I’d almost forgotten that.
Michael stands up to greet Raul as he walks over.
Michael: Alida is in big trouble thanks to you and your dumb ass plan!
Raul: What are you talking about?
Michael: Robert Beasley just showed up here and he told Mama Nadine all about what happened yesterday.
Raul: *covers his mouth in shock* What? He showed up here?
Michael flops back down on the couch.
Raul: What do we do now?
Michael: We? This is on you and you need to go and tell Mama Nadine that.
Raul sits down in between Michael and me.
Raul: No way! I’m not doing that!
Michael: SO YOU’RE GOING TO LEAVE THIS ALL ON ALIDA?? You’ve been an asshole all your life…it’s time you do the right thing for ONCE!
Raul: *thinks to himself for a while* I guess you’re right.
Michael: You guess?
Raul: I’m so sorry Alida. I didn’t think she’d ever find out.
I hear Raul’s apology and I believe him…but it doesn’t make me feel any better. I don’t know how to get past the guilt that I feel about hurting the one person that cares about me more than anyone else in the world. I have no idea how to face Mama Nadine now.
I don’t want to accept Raul’s apology. I don’t even want to be around him right now, so I jump up from the couch and run back towards the house…stopping once I get past the gate. I have no place to go. I’m too afraid to go into the house. I could run away…but I have no place to run away to. All my emotions and fear build up into a whirling mass in my stomach. I just stand there with no idea of what to do next.
Luckily Michael and Raul are close behind me. We head into the kitchen, and I sneak off into my bedroom.
Raul approaches Mama Nadine as she prepares dinner as usual.
Raul: Uh…Mama Nadine. It’s not Alida’s fault. I’m so sorry. I’m the one who set the whole –
Mama Nadine: *interrupts* Go get changed and ready for dinner…
Mama Nadine seems to want to avoid talking about the whole situation. I eventually come out of the bedroom…hoping that she’ll be willing and able to just put the whole incident behind us. I watch her carefully as I enter. Nothing about her seems to have changed. I look over at Michael and Raul, but their facial expressions reveal nothing more than Mama Nadine’s. I sit down at the counter.
Mama Nadine places a steaming hot bowl on the counter.
Mama Nadine: I made Cioppino for dinner. I hope you like it.
I mindlessly pull out my phone to avoid making eye contact with her.
Mama Nadine grabs a serving of dinner and makes a beeline straight to her bedroom. Any hope that I have immediately deflates into nonexistence. Mama Nadine never allows anyone to eat in their bedroom…including herself. She has to be really, really upset to break her own rule.
Darwin…who knows nothing about the whole situation, begins to eat immediately. The rest of us sit for a while…lost in our own thoughts before we finally grab our forks and try to force food past the self-condemnation that I’m sure I’m not alone in feeling.
Mama Nadine remains in her bedroom throughout dinner. She doesn’t even come out to bring her dirty bowl to the sink or to read Darwin’s bedtime story. I walk past her bedroom door as I walk towards my room. Maybe I’d feel better if I could at least hear her crying. Instead…walking past her door feels like walking past an empty pit of darkness with no hint of life, movement or emotion. It feels numb, which is far worse than sadness, or even anger.
I head to bed hoping that sleep will eventually find me…giving me a small bit of solace before I have to face what I played a big part in creating.
(Generation 1 Chapter Summaries)
