I’m still exhausted, waking up after an emotionally challenging night. I believe I even heard Q crying in his sleep a few times. I jump in the shower, trying my best to get myself together for Merit’s birthday party today.
Q is in the kitchen making Merit’s birthday cake when I finish my shower. I put on my sunglasses, so I don’t scare the kids with my big puffy swollen eyes.
I go and sell fruit off the money tree just so I can have some time alone to think. Mama was out of my life for 20 years…I never thought I’d miss her this much when she passed. We had some rough moments when she was finally released from prison…some so bad that I thought I’d have to cut her off for good. But once she finally got a job…things improved a bit, but we still had a long way to go. Now…we’re out of time, and it’s devastating to know that I’ll never get an opportunity to build any real memories with her.
I head back upstairs once I realize that I’m starving. But right now, food feels like a temporary filler for whatever it is I’m truly hungry for. I sit down and go through the motions of eating. Q sits beside me but doesn’t really say anything. I appreciate that because his speaking would require a response. Right now…I don’t think I’m capable of that type of interaction. His silent presence says so much more anyway.
When we’ve finished, and the plates have been cleared, Q walks over and kisses me on the cheek.
Quincy: We’ll get through this together.
I appreciate his words.
Alida: Thanks…
Quincy: Anything else I can do to help…you know – with the party?
Alida: No
Quincy: I can get Merit ready. Or maybe we should cancel and do something a little more low-key here at home.
Alida: That wouldn’t be fair to Merit. He wants to see his friends. I’ll be fine.
I start towards Merit’s bedroom, which feels like such a massive effort. Q is absolutely right…we really should cancel the party, but I know I have a little boy who is looking forward to his birthday celebration and I can’t let him down. I wipe away a fresh tear and go downstairs.
Merit stands up and greets me with a smile…happy that he has mastered potty training. I can’t see that though…all I know is that there’s a puddle on the floor.
Alida: You did a great job, but you made a mess.
I can’t tell if the puddle is pee or water. I pull out a mop and begin cleaning.
Merit: Sorry, mommy. I’m so sorry.
His sweet little apology makes me realize that I just shit all over his accomplishment. It’s not fair for me to pass my miserable mood onto him.
I change him into his clothes and then kneel down to give him a big hug.
Alida: Actually, I’m the one that should be sorry. Mommy is sad right now, and I took it out on you.
Merit: It’s okay, mommy.
Alida: It’s really not…and I’ll try not to let it happen again.
I pull out my phone and see that I have a few messages from some of the guests that are expected at Merit’s party. I send my responses.
Alida: *to Merit* Are you ready for your big boy party?
Merit: *excited* Yes!
We arrive at the Oasis Springs Pool, just as the guests begin to arrive. We waste no time and start the event with Merit blowing out his birthday candles. His excitement is contagious, and I find myself actually feeling a little bit better as I lift him up and help him make his wish.
Merit ages up, and we cut his birthday cake and begin to serve it. Michelle’s daughter Roni smiles when she gets her slice. Merit appears to be feeling some mixed emotions. Maybe his piece isn’t as big as he wanted.
(Merit’s Aspiration: Rambunctious Scamp Trait: Squeamish)
Claudia’s son Izaiah seems to have a bit of a mean streak like his uncle Raul.
Izaiah: Your cake looks a lot like puke.
I’m sure that’s not what Merit wants to hear right now. The comment takes me right back to my childhood spent defending Michelle all those years.
(Generation 1a Chapter Summaries)
