The house is empty when I return from my jog. Maia didn’t say she was leaving or tell me where she was going, so I’m concerned-hoping she’s okay. It’s just me and Tami when Tami arrives home from school.
Tambara: Can you teach me how to ride my bike, Daddy? The other kids at school know how to ride bikes, but I still don’t.
Wade: Yeah, of course. But there’s really nothing to it. The faster you pedal, the better the bike stays up.
Tami climbs up on her bike and tries to put her feet on the pedals.
Tambara: But I almost fall when I try to do the pedal thingies.
I remember when my dad taught Dray how to ride a bike. What did he say again?
Wade: Maybe you should try ignoring the pedals and practice keeping the bike up with your feet on the ground.
Tami puts both of her feet on the ground.
Wade: Good! Now, you just push yourself along, but you should probably change your shoes; sandals aren’t best for bike riding.
Tambara: But I’ll look good while trying.
Wade: Well, don’t blame me and go crying to mommy if you scrap your toes.
She’s barely moving, so the sandals aren’t a big deal right now.
Maia finally arrives home while Tami and I are in the middle of our bike riding lesson. Tami is feeling good and making some progress.
Tambara: Look, mommy! I’m doing it.
Maia: You sure are, Tadpole!
I’m glad to see that Maia’s back. I’m hoping she’s had enough time for herself because I’d like to continue our conversation from earlier. But Tami isn’t ready to let go of my attention, so it’ll have to wait.
Tambara: Look, daddy! No hands!
Wade: Put your hands back on the handles! You’re not ready to get fancy yet.
Maia pulls out salmon to prepare for dinner. Cooking has always been her happy place; now, she’s one step closer to making it more than a hobby. Once the city approves her application, she’ll be ready to open the food stand.
She sits at the table with her tacos and enjoys the peace of the quiet house. And that’s when the doubts creep in.
Maia’s Thoughts: They’ll deny your application because no one’s going to spend their hard-earned money on you and your f-
Maia: *to herself, out loud* NOPE! We’re not doing that today. I WILL open this food stand, and it WILL succeed, so just shut up and leave me alone!
Maia successfully silences the internal bully, but she knows it’s just a matter of time before it returns. But she’ll be ready.
Tami finally feels confident enough to put her feet on the pedals, but it’s too dark outside to continue the lesson.
Wade: We’ll practice again tomorrow, but only if you wear sneakers.
Tambara: Okay, daddy. But I won’t have to learn to ride my bike if you buy me a horse. Did you see me riding Finesse? Didn’t I look like a princess?
So we’re back to that again.
Wade: You always look like a princess. But not all princesses ride horses-some ride bikes. Let’s go inside and see if mommy cooked dinner.
Tami leads the way to the kitchen and finds freshly made fish tacos on the counter. We both grab a plate and sit at the table to eat them.
Tami tells me all about school, and I listen as best I can, but my mind is on Maia and our discussion from earlier. After Tami is in bed, I hope Maia and I can continue talking.
Tami changes for bed, and after reading two chapters of her favorite bedtime story, I’m finally free to find my wife. I check her yoga room, but she isn’t there. Instead, I see her sitting in the hot tub with her head in her hand. She’s not looking like she’d be up for a discussion. I walk over to check on her.
Wade: Are you okay, babe?
Maia looks up at me, smiles, and nods, but her eyes tell a different story. She doesn’t look okay at all.
I change clothes and return to get in with her, but she’s no longer in the hot tub.
Wade: Are you finished? I was hoping to join you.
It crosses my mind that maybe she doesn’t want to be around me right now, but she smiles again and steps back into the tub. I have a lot to say and many questions, but avoiding our earlier conversation is probably better for now. I can’t imagine it being very productive, so I take a different approach.
Wade: Maia, are you happy with me?
My stomach sinks when she doesn’t immediately answer.
Maia: I don’t know if I’m happy with anything.
I’m not sure what to do with that.
Wade: I didn’t mean to upset you by bringing up the baby thing. I should have known that you weren’t ready. It was stupid, and I’m sorry.
Maia: That’s not the issue, Dub.
If that’s not the issue, then what is?
Wade: I know we just buried your father-
Maia: It’s not just that either.
Wade: What is it? What’s going on?
I wait for Maia to answer, but minutes pass in silence.
Wade: Can I say one thing?
Maia: Please don’t. I need you to listen.
I nod and give her my full attention. But I’m terrified of what she’s going to say. For the first time, it crosses my mind that my wife might want out of our marriage.
Maia opens her mouth to continue, but nothing comes out. Her bottom lip trembles, and she looks to the sky, trying in vain to hold back the tears that insist on streaming down her cheeks.
Maia: Everything is going right, but—a lot is wrong. I never felt like this before. I’m a complete mess and don’t know how to fix it this time. It’s like I don’t have control of anything. *sniffles* I’ve held it inside so long, but I can feel it all crumbling.
And that’s what happens. Maia stops fighting it and breaks down in sobs.
Maia tries to continue, but I can see her struggling. Maybe this isn’t about me at all.
Wade: Take your time, babe. I’m listening.
Maia: There’s a heaviness inside… a deep pressure. I constantly feel like I’m running from something, even though there’s no real reason for it. *soft sob* I think I might have to start my medications again. I never wanted to do that, but maybe I can’t avoid it now. *sob-filled sigh* That makes me feel like such a failure. I’ve worked so hard and so long to get off them, and now…
I move closer to Maia. There are so many things I can say and do to make her feel better. But each time I’ve tried in the past, I made things worse and maybe it’s not what she needs right now.
Wade: Can I hold you?
I open my arms to make space for her. She moves closer and fits herself right into the crevice. I leave my words in my mouth and squeeze her, settling into the feel of her warm forehead and soft breaths on my neck. The tension leaves her body as she relaxes into my embrace. Several tears fall from her eyes and land on my cheek. I gently kiss her forehead, and we stay that way until the tears finally cease, and our fingers and toes shrivel in the water.
“[Verse 1]
See you in the doorway
Those tears on your face
Singing “Stand by Me”
Wanna make you see I can keep you safe
Don’t need no one to fix you
‘Cause, babe, you ain’t broken
There’s hope in your eyes, a new sun will rise
You shall be woken
[Chorus]
I wanna hold you
I just wanna hold you
I wanna hold you
[Verse 2]
You say everyone seems happy
Everyone except for you
Babe, I know it seems that way, everybody got pain
Something they’re going through
I don’t wanna hurt you
Don’t wanna cause you pain
You fight through, I’ll stand by you
Ours shall be the same
[Chorus]
I wanna hold you
I just wanna hold you
I wanna hold you…” (Source: Hold You by Amos Lee)
(Generation 4 Chapter Summaries)
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