Secrets have always been the glue that has held my life, and the lives of everyone I knew growing up, together. Mama Nadine’s lived a whole past life that she kept secret from us. Claudia kept secrets about their mother’s true intentions from Raul. Michelle kept the secret of her identity for most of her life. Even I…at a very early age learned that the secret of what my mom did for a living, and what earned her a long term ticket to jail, was something to be told only to my foster siblings. Now…I was being asked to give my secrets away. I already know that that’s not something that I’m prepared to do right now.
Q is downstairs waiting for me the next morning after I’ve showered and changed clothes. He greets me with a hug and tells me that he’s gotten us a table for breakfast. I’m glad because I’m absolutely starving.
We sit at the table and Q begins…
Quincy: I’ve been thinking…
Alida: *interrupts* So have I and I need you to hear me out.
Maybe I should have heard him out first, I don’t know…but I go ahead and lay my cards on the table. The ones I’ve chosen to reveal anyway…
Alida: *continues* When Michelle and I moved to Strangerville…we decided to change our names and reinvent ourselves. She changed her whole name…I only changed my last name. We both have our reasons for doing so.
I can see a frown slowly growing on Q’s face. Maybe he can already see where this is going.
Quincy: Okay…
Alida: *continues* Neither of us had the best childhood. I mean we weren’t abused or anything, but I really don’t want to get into that. I need you to be okay with who I am today and who I’m working really hard to be. I’m begging you…STOP asking me questions about my past. It’s all in the past for a reason. You’re my present…can you just be content with that for now?
Feeling pretty good about letting it all out, I stop long enough to wait for Q to react. He clinches his jaw and picks up his menu.
Alida: Q? You have anything to say about any of that?
Quincy: *turns a page on the menu* If I can’t ask questions, then what the hell do we have to talk about?
Alida: So, what? …You’re going to try and manipulate me into telling you things that I don’t want to tell you by not talking to me?
Quincy: *offhanded tone* I’m not trying to do anything but respect your wishes.
Alida: How is ignoring me respecting my wishes?
Q slides his chair back and stands up so quickly that he startles me. I jump up with him…
Quincy: You know what…I don’t think I can do this.
Alida: Do what?
Quincy: *points in frustration* This…you – whatever this is we’re doing here. I’m not going to play this game with you. If you don’t want to be in a relationship with me, then just tell me. You want to keep it casual…then tell me! But don’t play this, ‘my life is so secret’ game with me.
Alida: That’s not what I’m doing.
Quincy: What are you doing then?
Alida: I – I… don’t know Q. What do you want me to say? I have some things I don’t want to talk about. Is that a crime? Have you told me everything in your past? Why can’t you just give me some time to sort some things out?
Quincy: You can have all the time you need, Alida! Just call me when you’re ready to talk…
With that, Q walks away.
Quincy: *calls back to me* I’ll send a car for you! Get home safe.
This is not how I expected him to react. I thought that if I was honest with him…he’d understand. Instead, I stand there watching him walk away.
While I wait for the S-Uber to arrive, I go to the bar for something quick to eat since we never had a chance to order our meal. The bartender hands me a plate of meat and cheese. I eat it almost out of habit…with no awareness of what I’m doing and what it actually tastes like. I ask myself if I’m better off without Q. There’s no way I would ever fit into his lifestyle anyway. How can there ever be a future for us…if I can’t even face his parents or sister? I can already see the look on his mother’s face as she pretends to tolerate me with knowledge of my mother’s crimes and the fact that I grew up in a foster home swirling around in her head.
Yeah…I’m probably better off. My driver arrives just as I finish up. I get up, hold my head high and begin walking to the car.
On the way home, I realize that I’m not okay. I can pretend to be all day, but the fact is…I really like Q and I don’t know if I want to be without him. No matter how I try to rationalize it.
Michelle has news for me as soon as I enter the house.
Michelle: I just spoke to Claudia. She wants us all to meet at Mama Nadine’s to surprise her for the New Year.
Alida: *distracted* Yeah…okay.
Michelle: Wait…I thought you’d be more excited about it.
I realize that I wasn’t listening…
Alida: Excited about what?
Michelle: Going to see Mama Nadine…is everything okay? Did something happen with Q? Do we need to dish out another ass whooping?
Alida: Something happened, but it’s not entirely his fault. It’s just – he’s been asking me a bunch of questions, you know, about my past and about you.
Michelle: And?
Alida: *slightly agitated* What do you mean, and? I told him to stop asking me those types of questions.
Michelle: Why did you do that?
Alida: *frustrated* Have you forgotten? Are we even from the same universe? We changed our names. We decided to leave all that stuff behind. We re-invented ourselves.
Michelle: If you care about him and you want to be with him…you should just tell him. Re-inventing yourself doesn’t mean hiding who you were. It’s just a new start – a chance to become who you want to be.
Alida: I thought you’d be on my side.
Michelle: I’m always on your side…that’s why I’m saying this.
Alida: But…what if I tell him and he doesn’t want to be with me?
Michelle: The way it’s going now, you’re at risk of losing him anyway. You might as well just tell him everything.
Alida: About my mother too?
Michelle: *emphasizes* Everything. If I can do it…you can do it.
I put two and two together…
Alida: Wait…you told Roman about our childhood?
Michelle: Yes…I even told him about Michael. I mean…of course that relationship went to shit, but it wasn’t because I was hiding anything. Q is not like Roman. He’s been nothing but respectful and considerate of you. Doesn’t he deserve to really know you? Just tell him…
Like always, I realize that Michelle is right.
Alida: Okay, but I’m just gonna give it a few days. *makes a face* I can’t believe you told shady ass Roman anything!
Michelle: Yeah, well…
Michelle tells me again about the plan to go and visit Mama Nadine. But we’re both tired from celebrating the New Year, so we decide to take naps before it’s time to go.
(Generation 1a Chapter Summaries)
