I’ve tried to ignore the morning queasiness and the fact that my clothes have been feeling tighter lately…but there’s no denying this now. I’m expecting a baby…
I clean up the mess I’ve left in the toilet and run a bath. My thoughts are all over the place, but eventually, it all converges to one single realization. I’m going to have a baby…and the father of that baby won’t even talk to me. Yeah…I can fix it with one phone call, but should I? Maybe I should just leave the whole thing alone.
I step out of the tub and start feeling sick all over again. Why the hell would anyone have a baby on purpose? I feel like crap and can’t think of any benefit to having some foreign being slowly invading my body.
I do my best to pull myself together and join Michelle in the front room, hoping that my clothing is loose enough to hide my condition. I’m not really in the mood to talk about it. I make a beeline for the computer and sit down to finish up my latest freelance job. Luckily Michelle is too busy with her own thoughts to notice me.
I finish up the last bit of the job and earn over § 2,000 in one shot. That’s a very good thing, considering…
Michelle finishes cooking and completes a quick workout before eating her breakfast. Guided by my hunger, I hop up and head for the refrigerator…completely forgetting that I’m supposed to be hiding my condition. When I hear Michelle gasp…I know that I’ve given myself away.
I grab a slice of chocolate cake out of the refrigerator because it’s the only thing I see in there that doesn’t make me want to gag. Michelle stares at me until I sit down.
Michelle: Ummmm…do you have something you want to tell me?
I know what she’s referring too, but denying things has always been my superpower.
Alida: *fills mouth with food* Nope…
Michelle: Alida!
Alida: What?
Michelle: You’re not exactly hiding anything. Have you told Q yet?
Alida: No
Michelle: When are you going to –
Alida: *defensive* I don’t know…I just need time to think about this!
Michelle: Yeah…of course. I’m sorry.
Alida: I don’t mean to snap at you…I’m just shocked – you know?
Michelle: I can only imagine.
Michelle sits down and is quiet for a while.
Michelle: *reflective tone* I’ve always wanted to be a mother, but I know I can’t…at least not in the traditional way. I used to pretend …when I was little – I’d pretend that I was pregnant. Imagine how hurt I felt when I was finally old enough to understand that it would never happen for me.
I had no idea that Michelle felt this way. We’ve never talked about parenthood.
Michelle: *continues* Remember how I used to always play with that doll in your bedroom all the time? *waits for me to nod* Yeah…I used to pretend that the doll was my daughter. I named her Veronica…the most feminine name I could come up with at the time. *sigh* I’ve sort of resolved myself to the fact that the only way I’ll ever have a child is to adopt or foster like Mama Nadine did and that’s okay, but to feel a baby growing inside – I’m so sorry. *tries to shake the thoughts out of her head* I didn’t mean to make this moment about me. How are you doing with this?
Alida: *smiles slightly* I don’t know. It sucks, but it’s sort of amazing at the same time. I mean…Q and I – we did this together. We made something, but it’s not something that I’ve ever wanted…
I realize what I’m saying and catch myself with a sharp intake of breath. It feels so unfair that sometimes those who really want children can’t have them the way they’d like to. And here I am…wishing I was doing anything, but having one.
Alida: *continues* I’m so sorry. I –
Michelle: You have nothing to be sorry about. We don’t choose the way the dice lands. Can I say one thing?
Alida: Yeah…of course.
Michelle: I just want you to know…whatever you decide to do. I’m here for you. You’re not alone in this. Okay?
Alida: Thanks…and – you’re not alone either. You’ll be a mother one day. And no matter how it happens – I’ll be there for you too!
Michelle: *emotional* I know…and that means a lot to me.
I get up from the table. Michelle finishes her breakfast and does the same. She heads straight for the bathroom. Although I know she’s going to shower…I can also imagine that my news has brought up some emotional stuff for her that she’d like to deal with alone.
Michelle re-enters the room looking like her old self. She walks over to me. I’m thinking she’s about to bring up the baby again, but she doesn’t…
Michelle: I just wanted you to know that I invited my acting group over.
Alida: That’s cool. Why are you telling me? You can do what you want.
Michelle: Yeah, but I wanted to warn you that Roman is a part of the group too.
I make a face…
Alida: Roman?! …Why the hell is he a part of your acting group?
Michelle: He’s an actor and whether I like it or not – I’ll be forced to work with him a lot. We often end up auditioning for the same roles. I’m okay being around him. What’s past is past, but I wanted to warn you in case you don’t want to be here.
Alida: I definitely don’t want to be here. The way I’m feeling right now…I’d probably be tempted to kick his ass all over again just because I don’t like his face.
Michelle: Ha! Well…I don’t blame you for that – but I’m sure that baby has a lot to say about it. *walks away* I’m going to go make some cookies before they get here.
(Generation 1a Chapter Summaries)
