Back in Sulani, Quincy Wade Sr. passes away quietly in his sleep. He’s lived a good, long and healthy life, but his heart broke when he lost his beloved wife, and he couldn’t bear being without her any longer.
I receive the call very early in the morning. Clouds of dread threaten to suffocate me before I even answer the call. The news of Pop-pop’s death hits me like being punched in the gut and dipped in a pool full of dark/murky water. There’s depth to my pain, and I find it hard to breathe.
It’s difficult to recover. I sit there for several moments, trying to concentrate on my breaths, something that should come naturally, but is suddenly so hard. I don’t have long to get it together. Kai is up and ready to eat. Somehow, I push away enough of my grief to get him into his high chair. Desperate for anything that’ll keep my mind occupied, I pull out my computer, hoping that finally enrolling in school will help, but it doesn’t.
I push my way through anyway and set up a full load of classes at Britechester in the Distinguished Fine Arts program. Just as I finish registering for my courses, I receive a chat message from Wild. Seeing her name brings back my time in Sulani and makes me feel guilty for leaving Pop-pop there to die alone. I manage to respond enough to let her know what’s happened. She replies to tell me that she’s on her way to come and make sure I’m okay. The fact that she cares enough to come all this way to see me threatens to break me down. I cover my face in my hands in an attempt to keep my emotions at bay. Kai picks up on it and speaks up…
Kai: Wha wron, mama?
I want to shield him from the tears. A sudden outbreak of emotion from me will only scare and confuse him. I give myself one whole minute to get it together before I respond.
Prosperity: Nothing. I’m okay. Are you ready to get out?
Kai nods, and I hurry over to lift him out of his highchair.
I grab Kai’s bowl and turn my back to take it in the kitchen. The next thing I know, he has undressed and is running around me in just his diaper and slippers. He looks so untroubled and free, but in my misery, I find the need to correct him.
Prosperity: It’s way too cold to run around like that. Let’s get you dressed.
His happy expression crumbles. Why couldn’t I just let him be happy?
Soon after Kai and I are clean and dressed, Wild knocks on my door. I don’t realize how much I need her near me until I see her face. I greet her with the biggest hug I can manage.
Wildflower: I’m so sorry for your loss.
I bring her inside to meet Kai. She gasps as soon as she lays eyes on him.
Wildflower: He looks just like Craig.
Prosperity: Let’s hope that the resemblance stops with looks.
Kai walks over and looks up at her with eyes that beckon for hugs. She kneels and complies.
Wildflower: That’s definitely where it stops. Craig could never even dream of being this amiable. This little boy is all you!
I’m happy to hear that, but I know it’s not true. The only person I can think of with a heart like that is my Pop-pop, which leaves me feeling heartbroken all over again. Wild picks up on my change of mood and leads me to the couch.
Wildflower: You want to talk about it?
Prosperity: I shouldn’t have left him, Wild. I could have stayed a little longer, and he wouldn’t have died alone.
Wildflower: You did what was best for you and your son. Your grandfather understood that.
Prosperity: What’s best doesn’t feel right and doesn’t make it better.
Wildflower: And your feelings are valid, but you have to learn to forgive yourself. Do you think your grandfather would want you holding on to guilt?
I think about it, and I know that he wouldn’t, but it still weighs me down, and I can’t find my way around the heaviness of my self perceived culpability.
I appreciate Wild’s words, but I don’t want to talk about it anymore. These emotions feel like something I’ll have to work through alone, so I suggest that we watch a movie, something light-hearted and funny. We decide on College Cram, which never fails to amuse. We have almost made it through the film when there’s a knock at my door. I get up to go and see who it is.
(Generation 2 Chapter Summaries)
